


blue honey

by wolfestarz



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Study, Depression, M/M, Past Relationship(s), References to Drugs, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad, wolfstar- past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 05:07:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17995436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfestarz/pseuds/wolfestarz
Summary: A man takes his sadness down to the river and throws it in the river but then he's still left with the river. A man takes his sadness and throws it away but then he's still left with his hands.-Boot Theory, Richard siken





	blue honey

It skips a generation, they say.

The lights off. The bed unmade. The last month's clothes piling up in the corner of the room, next to five half-empty water bottles because _Remus, you have to drink something, okay?_

Tick.  _Okay._ Tock.  _Fine._

The days drooling by like molasses. The days like a repeating tape. The days like the days like the days like the days.

-

Lily asks because she cares. Because she's good. She's too good, in fact, to burden with details other than _it runs in the family._

Because it does, _-rampant and unapologetic, wild and sharp._  Remus shrugs. - _angry and somber, Lil, the night sludges through my veins._

But he doesn't say that, just:  _I'm fine, ok?_   and won't let her leave until she confirms it, until she says she believes him, makes liars out of them both.

-

Remus loses himself under the flashing, neon lights. Shot after shot. Dance after dance. He hasn't moved from his bed in three days, but now he wants to fuck something. Sirius isn't here tonight, though.

The tequila slips from his hand onto the sticky bar. Sirius isn't here. _Remembering_. Sirius isn't here, alright. Sirius fucked off to London to play guitars in ashtray bars for a living and left Remus alone with this sickness. _This damn sickness. He knew. How could he leave?_

He kissed a tall, raven-haired man viciously against the concrete wall of the alley.

_He left because of the sickness._

"Wanna go back to my place?”

-

Numbness gives no limit to brutality, but there's always someone looking to take the brunt of it.

He takes raven-haired boy once on the bed, banging the headboard against the wall over and over again. Once against the shower wall, slow and hard and his begging bringing Remus over the edge. _More,_ he pleads. Remus obliges. _More_. Outsiders see greed, but Remus knows how this bloke really feels. Sees the tears. Desperation like that comes from somewhere deeper.

Remus knows that wanting, that _never enough_. Sirius did too. He always seemed to find people like him on his nights out, people as desperate and hungry as himself. _I know you,_ Remus said with every thrust, every grunt. _I don’t even know your fucking name, but I **know**  you._

_-_

Remus breathed out slowly, fingers twitching at his sides. The energy of the night was wearing off, and he wanted his bed again, his blankets pulled tight around him, where the world couldn't touch him.

“You have any weed?”

Raven-hair rifled around in his drawer, tossed a baggie and a lighter his way with a “cheers, mate."

“Thanks.” He sat up, rolled it carefully.

Did he really want to be alone? _No. Yes._ He lit and took a deep drag. _I don't know._  

He sighed, passing it over, the corner of his mouth ticking up unexpectedly when raven-hair groaned in bliss. _Cute_.

“I needed that,” he sighed.

Remus smirked. “The fuck or the smoke?”

“Both.”

Remus didn’t have to say _me too._ This bloke already knew. He’d seen him raw.

-

Looking at the stars.

 _God made us from dust, didn't he? What an amateur move._ Remus laid on the grass, watching the black sky, riddled with tiny lights. _From dust, to dust._ Ants crawling over his shoe and the wind, ruthless and stinging. _It's destiny._

Would it ever stop? This hopeless, tired feeling? The nothing and the too much, all at once? Could it leave him someday, like people leave? Like Sirius did? Like his mum or his friends or his paycheck after missing weeks of work to stare at the ceiling and rot. 

Would anything ever be enough? To make him happy?

He blew smoke up into the air.

_Sirius knew the answer to that, didn't he?_

**Author's Note:**

> sorry, im sad so remus is sad lol
> 
> *also: i thrive on comments so if u liked this, show me some love below and check out my other fics!*


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